hmm yeah I haven’t been on this in awhile, I need to start writing again

Yeahhhh buddyyy

No Hard Feelings…

BUT

I was right all along

You were everything that I convinced myself you weren’t

Like a song that I hate played on repeat, If I could only justify every nerve that you strum or every beat in my heart that sank along with your chorus of disappointing hooks, you start to sound semi decent the 24th time around

It’s as if I was being tested on, trying to make my way through this labyrinth of heartache that affected me to my soul

But enough of that…this is the part where I start to switch to the other side of the game ok?

Allow me to lead you to the finish line, with that carrot dangling over your head, after all you always needed an incentive

Well, now you have one.

Don’t twist my words to fit your pleasure that you hide deep inside yourself, that’s drowned in lies and deprivation

I’m bruised, but I’m not broken

I throw that carrot in your face, and say thank you.

Thank you for the pain that you mixed in my drink, as I sucked up all my tears

Thank you for your lies and deceit that made me appreciate the truth to an even greater extent

And most of all thank you for letting me appreciate what I have now.

I was wrong all along…

I knew from the first moment that I was settling

Settling for something that I knew shouldn’t be, but I was so smitten, all my judgment was left by the riverside

Its just that…I got so used to the average attention and the mediocre moments that we spent together, while I tried to find myself in you, but… I never started counting…

I used to think there was always something good in everyone, maybe if I searched further, I would find all the things your supposed to be in this  hidden treasure chest full of common sense

But I’ve realized that there are just people out there that are simply bad, like I said no hard feelings but I’m talking about you

You used your heartless tactics to try and fool me and make me feel less than I am but I’m worth more than just rude awakenings and that feeling that eats away at your insides when you know someone’s lying to you

But it’s irrelevant to dwell over this now because every time I think of what could have been or what could have been avoided, I get pushed back in my progress

In the end I forgive you, and honestly not because I know that everyone makes mistakes and should be forgiven, but at the end of the day I can’t be content with myself to realize and learn that everyone gets their chance to burn

I know that when people go through rough times with someone they truly care about, and it all falls apart, you sometimes don’t know what to do next

And you keep telling yourself your doing good, even in the back of your mind you know you know your really not

There’s always that time where you secretly want to call the person you know hurt you the most because of the fact that you love them so much when in actuality your waiting for their call too…or even where you “accidentally” call that person just to see if they would call you back

But everyone eventually gets to that point where you don’t have to convince or remind yourself every single day that your ok, because you’ll know

And after all that’s happened, I know I’m ok

No hard feelings…

Uneasiness in my stomach

A vulnerable state of mind turns into a sense of insecurity

Wishful behavior with a touch of doubt and confusion

Repetitive thoughts that reoccur diminish the past progress

Lack of effort to understand the formed connection

Some reciprocity,Less Reciprocity,No Reciprocity

Hope flickers in the dim opening

It is unknown when or whom will arbitrarily cut off the light

The winding path takes you to a new place

A place where they will not be there,because they’re not supposed to be there

Your left to somewhat salvage what’s left of yourself

Your forced,Your pushed

Forced into a place of overall wellness,pushed into a deserving aspect

And then there was one…

She smiled at me as she grabbed my hand

Placing her fingers in the spaces between mine

I could tell she didn’t want to let go,and neither did I

Anxious and excited battled on my shoulders

She was different

I could feel her care,it was familiar,I carried it before in the past

We shared the same feeling of intention

The place that I was forced into,this deserving aspect

I was naturally scared,I knew her actions were sincere

BUT

She might not be as she appears

I’ve watched this movie before

And I was the lead role

But everything can’t be happily ever after right?

NO! thats wrong. thats cutting me more than I’m worth. It CAN be good in the end,it CAN be great

I collect lessons learned,and I don’t want anymore

Its time to collect something new…

Talk is cheap…

Don’t interpret it the wrong way

Don’t think I don’t remember every single thing, like it was yesterday

You have yet to receive my forgiveness

I hate you at times for what you did

This perplexing, ever losing battle with you

Twisting my mind to try and understand, when it was you all along

Because of the nights that I waited for you, and you never came through

Its not like I could have gone to sleep even if I wanted too

Your talk is cheap in my nightmares too…

You say that this trait was never in you from the beginning, that you’re used to this

But I remember…

You could have fooled me; it was an entirely different person

Which was a paradox in some way

Because you not only cheated yourself, or me, but us

But I can’t point the blame at you for that

“Us” was an irrelevancy, at least to you

You can’t have an “Us” with only one

And that’s my mistake that continues to still spark doubts and regrets inside my mind, for all of the 365’s

Like they say…

Fool me once, shame on you

Fool me twice, shame on me

hmm. ok. so this is what it feels like huh? its kinda like a mixed feeling between having that stomach ache on the first day of school and that loneliness that eats away at you when you can’t talk to your best friend. YEAH. I don’t like it one bit. And I know its kinda like well yeah nobody likes it, but I’m the one writing and your the one reading so leave me alone. Sorry if that sounded rude. God I’m such a softy. Hmm..maybe thats the reason that got me here in the first place. You know there’s always those people that say “I don’t understand how people can just let someone treat them that way, or keep going back to someone that hurts you” I’m not gonna lie that kinda gets on my nerves cause its like, no one is exempt from this battlefield we call love. EVERYONE plays the fool at some point and I honestly don’t think its fair for people to criticize from the sidelines ESPECIALLY if they’ve been through the same situation, or even people who haven’t gone through it because they say it as if nothing like that will ever happen to them and little do they know their day will come eventually. But anyway, I’m getting off topic. What was I saying again? Oh yeah, about me being soft. So yeah, I guess you could say I was soft in relationships, always falling for every. single. word. this person was saying. Analyzing every sentence, or gesture, or that certain smiley face they chose to use in that one text. YEAHHH! you know what I mean! and don’t act like you don’t cause you know you do. But this is a thing. Is it wrong for me to be soft? I say no. Because every person that has ever been in love has done the exact the same thing. The same people that preach about how your making a mistake and how your blinded and so on and so forth, have done the EXACT same thing. And honestly, this isn’t something you can avoid. When you put yourself out there and talk to people, everyone has to take that risk, if they want to eventually find that person. Its funny how life works out that way. I guess what this whole thing is about is everyone plays the fool, so don’t act a fool and judge when you see other people going through the same shit. Don’t preach, Don’t tell them what to do, Don’t tell them they’re making progress. Just let them be. And in time they will see it for themselves, and no matter how big you are to this person by you trying to help, they will NEVER make a move until they want to make a move.